tempo: largo

finally some time to write down what i have been wanting to write for the past few days...

with the ending of the band farewell dinner, i cld feel the full weight of responsibility of being SL for the perc section falling with full force on my shoulders.. well not like as if b4 the farewell i didnt have to do anything wrt the sect as if theres still snr to run the section, but its just the official handing down that makes it seem so much more significant...

quite a few series of incidents happened since i was initially elected back in june. and im just dreading it. i just feel im not prepared being the SL (again). and i didnt even habour the thought of being SL unlike back in high school, perhaps one of the small reasons why i wanted to try running for majorship.

i just dont feel the merit of being the SL. i mean like, nobody cares abt SLs. their roles are like so insignificant, relatively speaking. everytime when ppl praise the band (if there is in the first place), its always abt how capable the majors are. and when jnrs talk abt my batch's yrs, it always abt how great the majors were and how they brought back glory to the band ya da ya da... its like SLs are just like crap. not like as if outdoors was possible without the rest of the members; the mace thrower always gets the attention. it hits me esp hard becos its not other section but the percussion sect. for other sect, the music each sect member plays is almost (not totally) the same. even if its diff, the instru is the same. but for perc, almost every member plays a diff instru. and for the diff instru, they play diff stuff. of course this is not including the diff steps for the formations. all these makes perc sect a very hard sect to run, esp for an outdoor band. it really took a toil on me.

of course that was the shefish and practical argument that i rose. what really discouraged me from being SL again is the absence of maintainence of the sect after we left. its really crappy to see the state of the sect after we left. and inevitably i always qns myself if i have not done enuf. then i wld rebut back saying i have seriously done alot, in comparision to my previous SLs. then it just leads me into this whirlpool of thoughts that eventually confuse myself. i dont know what to do. im lost. i didnt want to be SL again. i just dont know how to do it.

but here i am again, the SL. back in high school i dealt with jnrs who may still be immature, and given my 'superiority' in age and rank, i can easily teach them, give instructions or even scold them. though the ppl im working with now are , supposedly, more mature and hence there shld, supposedly, be lesser probs. but new challenges arises.

exactly becos they are of the same age as me, its hard to give them instructions becos each of us have our own mindset, and i am no long 'superior' in age. not to mention to scold them, which is absolutely not necessary or possible when they are my peers, not my jnrs.
and there is also practically no need to teach. who am i to teach them? im technically speaking not a percussionist. im just some pseudo timpani player. i cant help andrea nor bangky with mallets when i have trouble reading the treble clef. i cant show off moves on the drumset to christal or siyao when i have only played the drumset officially for a concert once in my entire 9 yrs of band history. the last time i crashed cymbals for a purpose was back in pri sch, so no need to tell jh what to do. of course theres melissa who is just newly exposed to percussion. and of course there is also the way more competent christal who knows much more abt basics, percussion in general, to teach melissa. christal has the depth and the breadth on percussion matters. thats the only reason why i wrote down only one name for the elections of perc SL when each member is entitled 2.

and i just dont have the courage to tell them that they have played wrongly in a certain way, becos i know, i cant do it myself. i dont want to hurt their dignity. perhaps its just my ego, but i dont like it when someone else of realtively less competency speaks of my playing in a negative tone.

of course, learning is a 2 way thing. i cant be expecting myself to assume the role of 'the teacher' all the time and want to be better than everyone else. being SL by right doesnt mean you have to be the god player or something. but there is just this conotation and this expectation that other ppl have on the SL. its this pressure that i cannot take. perhaps its just my ego too.

worse, andrea and christal, the SC and BM respectively, are under my SLship. this further dilutes the need of me being the SL. i mean its bad enough that i am not so called 'the best player' and i didnt fulfill the so-call criteria of an SL. with andrea being able to analyse scores way better than me and able to conduct better, there is no point for me to hold sectionals and not have a chance to practise myself. with christal being the BM, i would practically not be needed to relate all the administrative matters to the section. and christal didnt want to attend sectionals that day when everyone else was there. and what am i to do? tell the BM off when im JUST A FREAKING LOSER SL?

i am not the best player
i cant play better than my section mates
i cant take sectionals better than my section mates
i dont have to relate administrative info to the sect
i cant tell my sect mates off when they are incompetent in their playing
i cant point out the flaws of my EXCO sect mates cos im lower rank

what kind of SL is this?
i am no SL