i attempted to talk to sean at abt 10pm ytd. he said he was busy and asked me to hold on. and so i did. and apparently, the usual happened- empty aniticipation. i waited till i fell asleep in front of my laptop. when i woke up hes long gone. it was 2am. i decided to call him. first 2 calls were rejected. the next 2 were ignored. in the darkness of the night, i was cold and lonely and i desperately needed someone to talk to. but i made 4 calls which were not picked up. he made me wait, and when i called, they were not picked up. not enough, after the 4th failed call, while i was starring into emptiness, i received an sms from him: "R u crazy? if u dunnid to sleep, i do"

i was really devastated. he called me 3 weeks ago at 3am, and it was a prank call and i wasnt even mad at him. and here he is, getting mad at me for calling him at 2am, finding some1 to talk to. he made me wait earlier on and he did not fulfil the promise to get back with me. at first i told myself not to blame him or get angry with him. until i received the sms. i practically broke down. i cried. i was thinking, first my best fren left and forgotten about me, and now the person who has been giving lots of emotional support these days is turning back on me. i really didnt know what to do.

i turned to hong wei. he stayed with me on the phone. he faces the same prob as me earlier on in his life, so i turned to him for advice. he was very supportive.. though it was 2am going to 3, he stayed with me. even when im just crying over the speaker, he just listened. in the end i felt pretty bad for holding him up and asked him to go to sleep.

i literally cried until 6am in front of my laptop. i stayed in front of my laptop and fell asleep, sporadically waking up to check if hes still online. though i told myself to try to forget, it only lasted me 30min, and i couldnt bring myself to doing something like this. he was online all the way till abt 6am+. i told myself that if hes online, theres still hope that at least he will pop up to say hi. but it never happened. empty anticipation as usual. and 2 of such happened in a row.

the next day which was this morning, sean called and asked me wassup. i dunno how to describe my emotion, angry? sad? so i just replied in a really jackass way, saying that if hes tired of helping me out he could have just told me instead of making me wait like an idiot and being asked if im crazy. indeed, i was really going crazy. best fren left, pillar of support turn his back against me, whats next? and i hang up the call the moment im done saying the entire string of jackass reply. he smsed back innocently saying hes very confused and didnt know what i was talking abt. after several more smses, he claimed that his brother was the one who hang up the calls previously and sent that sms. regardless who sent it, the damage was done. that night was the lowest point in my entire life. i felt really helpless. but he claimed it was his brother's doings, and i chose to believe him, for i get angry with him, i just lose yet another fren.

yet another rainy day. i locked myself up for the rest of the day in my room, literally and psychologically. i was promised a sunny day some days b4, but yet it ended up being a rainy day as usual. rain is becoming a very memorable thing, dunno if its good or bad, since the last thing i did with him was to walk in the rain. good in the sense that i can hui wei the good times, bad in the sense that i wouldnt be able to forgot him this way.

i give up.