tempo: largo

sigh... life sucks really.

i really cant face up to reality that time is passing by so quickly. everything is so transient - friendships, happiness, emo-ness, good times, exams, everything.

i was digging arnd some of my stuff and chanced upon some cards written by my primary sch friends.

"hope we can be friends forever!"

the sad thing is, i kinda lost contact with my primary sch classmates. except for the rare exceptional fate i had when i met one of them when i was sec3 at the Japan airport when i was abt to leave Japan and he just arrived. and i met him again last yr during a hospital attachment. then again, i was a rather independent soul back in pri sch. no particular good friends. i liked everyone and there was no form of discrimination.

secondary sch came by. 4 yrs zipped pass. it was a very memorable 4 yrs. made really good friends. some were too close for my own good. friendships forged. some strong like covalent bonds. some easily overcame like van der Waals. it was really great when i went to Beijing and ShenYang with my class for BSP. went Japan with my project mates. sec3 sec4 with all the project successes - those were my golden years.

jc came too fast. i treasured old friendship too much for my own good. i was too possessive. i was scared. i couldnt adapt. i felt lonely. secondary sch friends, well, some are still nice. give friendly pats as we meet. still refer me as the maths guru. makes me feel important. it was hard, really, for me to make the transition. in sec4 i was the quiet one, the supporting character. now, im in the front line. im not sure if its a facade. or its just that i have different personalities (note: not split personalities). i think i believe differently with different ppl. sometimes i get confused thinking who i really am. i lack an identity here in jc. its hard to define "Da Xian" now. its shapeshifting ability makes it really challenging. maybe thats why i keep going back to high sch. i feel needed. i know who i am there. or at least more.

but then again, the me last time and the me now in the same high sch band environment is different. im not sure if my frequent visits were meant to be for the company that i lack. or is it for compensating the past. i was harsh. i was strict. i scolded. i yelled. now its a different story. its almost as if im doing this to resolve some guilty conscience. and i really prefer this relationship that i am currently having with my jnrs now. but despite the difference in the way i treat them, the rationale remains unchanged. i love them, for they are my second family. without material returns? who cares? for pure (or rather, theoretical) love, is selfless.

it pains me to think of the future. looking back, i realise every big step i take when i transit from one organisation/institution to another, i have relationship problems. unsustainable friendships due to the erosion by time, diverging ideals that cause breakups etc. im very uncertain how am i going to cross to my next big hurdle: the army. perhaps i would have a new group of ppl whom i would call "brothers" then. would i still be in contact with my jc friends? would i still remember my second family (or the other way round rather). it really scares me. and after army comes uni. would i remember my army friends? after uni comes job. would i remember my uni friends? and the list goes on.

its worse when i have to think abt my uni majors and my prospective career. many wants me to be a doctor. my "personality" dictates me to be a doc. but the hours, i feel, dont suit me. i want to lead a fulfilling life. learn a lot of things - languages, piloting, photography, some sports etc etc. a doc's life is just too... hectic and random that these desires cannot be achieved concurrently. my dream when i was a kid was to be a linguist or a musician (largely inspired by my pri sch band conductor who can play every instrument albeit not too professionally). but i guess i wasnt cut for music esp since my family wasnt exactly supportive back then. being a linguist in today's word is just unsustainable business. its like, a childhood dream shattered by globalization as english is predominately used everywhere. i really dunno what i want to pursue. im scared of failures. i would only do something that im good at. yet, what im good at may not necessarily be what i want to do.

~~
in just a few more mths i will be leaving hwa chong. i foresee myself lost, due to the lack of the educational routine that existed for 12 yrs of my life. in a way, im missing school alr. its like life is proceeding so fast, its as if i have no control over it.

while scrolling down the calender on my handphone, i was curious as to wonder whats the "last day" on the calender. its 31/12/2079. a bold number was nearby, i took a look. it says "liang jun's birthday. 87" edwin wondered if we would still be in contact. i wondered where would i be. i would be 89. sitting at home on a rocking chair? in an old folks home? in a hospice? on life support machine? decomposed into atoms and molecules?

~~

why am i even writing such an emo-turning-into-morbid post... GP prelims?

i really hate thinking sometimes. really.