tempo: largo

birthday. so what?

i always thought the 18th bday would be a milestone and it ought to be celebrated in some glamorous manner.. guess i was wrong..

had to go for GP tuition in the morning. not that im lamenting, i was looking forward to going out with my fren after tuition to have a great time. i had decided to throw all my work aside to really enjoy myself for the day. and i had to convince my dad to let me settle dinner on myself with my fren instead of going for the family dinner he organised which was meant to celebrate my bday. instead what did i get? fine... i did get my cny shopping done. but it was so... meaningless... he didnt even know its my bday. i lost my appetite for dinner, though i was planning to go get some good food and try my first legal alcoholic drink. in the end after all the shopping i went to the basement of taka to get some little nibbles and celebrated my bday myself.

why is it that i cant have a 'happy birthday' like the phrase really suggests? why was it that something similar happened last yr too? dont i deserve a 'happy birthday'? k la, i was touched when the band gang and some sec4 classmate started spamming me when the clock strikes 12, even jie hao who has never been in the same class nor CCA dropped in a msg too, but some of the most impt ppl in my life failed to realise its my bday... why is it that i always hang out with ppl who would eventually hurt me the most? i asked myself the qns, jielun asked me too. i have no ans. these ppl are the ppl i hang out with the most, ppl that i enjoy helping the most. ppl whom i thought i would be appreciated by. have i been taken for granted? for my contributions in their lives, am i worth such insignificance in their lives?

just when i thought it would be all over the next day, i was wrong. just when i thought that the family can make me happier, i was wrong. family dinner was postponed from ytd to today. aunt came a little earlier and started interrogating me about where i have been on saturday and sunday, questioned me if i went for tuition as if i would skip it. dont i deserve some degree of freedom and privacy? especially it was my bday weekend? shldnt i get the right to go out and enjoy myself? why must i reveal what i do? i told a white lie, telling her i went to sch on sat to do hw with frens. she even had to ask what work. i continued to lie it was maths and she practically got pissed off im doing maths AGAIN. she just wants to keep harping over the fact that i got a D for bio (which i was honestly happy with) when she sees me do maths. but if i spoke the truth that i went back high sch to help with marching, i would just die. its like regardless of what i do, it wouldnt be enough to satisfy her. she also went on to ask where i went for cny shopping and how much my purchase cost. i would most probably die if i revealed the real price. dont i get to decide how i want to spend the money im given, especially since it was from a bday ang bao? so on top of my emo-ness from the previous day, she just have to spoil it even further. then dad and mum were quarreling over very minute stuff in front of everyone else including grandparents. so much so for bday celebrations over dinner. i was sour like anything.

i dunno how to describe my feelings now. pissed? emo? first i thought i can throw all my work aside despite the fact that i have 3 tests this week just to have a really great time out of my bday. then i thought perhaps my family can cheer me up through the dinner. what do i get in the end? no need to talk about presents, im not very particular over material gifts. didnt enjoy my bday, emo becos ppl who i really would expect to rmb didnt, upset becos of all my undone work, stress due to the 3 tests, sour becos aunt keeps treating me like some puppet/child, constantly "reminding" me to do certain things, unhappy cos my parents were quarreling over dinner in front of grandparents. and now J1 recruitment issues are just antagonizing me.

i failed to keep the promise i made with andrea. emo on the day of bday already, whats stopping from the rest of the yr to be depressing? all i want is just to be appreciated, remembered for what i have done. i always thought that by being generous when it comes to helping ppl, i will get reciprocated. do i? im really lost. i really dunno how to lead my life.

all i want is just a "happy birthday". perhaps thats why ppl wishes for a happy birthday. for it never happens. at least for me.